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 Improbable, But True!

All Wet  

Legendary New York Times’  book reviewer Michiko Kakutani [aka “the stupidest person in New York“] is the latest to fall for one of the oldest bricks in Ronald Reagan’s Wall of Cheese, the lifeguard story.

In the course of reviewing Ron Reagan’s auspiciously timed memoir, she retails without questioning young Ron Reagan’s recycling of a tale. Specifically, the self-generated legend that young Ronald Reagan saved 77 people from drowning in the Rock River at Dixon Illinois.  In seven years, for neat symmetry.

Where does this nicely divisible number come from? Everywhere and nowhere. By all accounts young Ronald worked summers as a lifeguard during high school and college.  Aside from providing him a head start on skin cancer little is known beyond his later stories. Your more careful accounts of Reagan’s adventures among the “boyency challenged” speak of him being “credited” with saving 77 lives.  More gushing accounts, including his museum foundation‘s,  add the definitive proof that he claimed to have carved a notch on a log every time he plucked someone from  the turgid waters.

Thanks to Deroy Murdock recycling from a different Ron Reagan tome we know Reagan saved a black [can you believe it!] child from drowning in California, making up for all those nasty cracks about Martin Luther King. Truly insane life-guardist Paul Kengor extends Reagan’s life saving powers to Des Moines and beyond, because after all,”… it’s not an exaggeration to draw a straight line from Reagan at the Rock River to Reagan at the White House”

Obama Now One Of The Greats! 

For decades, criminal geniuses have disguised themselves in the act, and an early 90s film from the Patrick Swayze ouvrier sparked a seemingly endless wave of robbers wearing masks of the great. 

Now the current president has joined this proud line, with North Carolina gas station robber donning an Obama mask to do the deed.

Despite the crime wave, this is one of the least troubling parts of the Swayze legacy.  The the late actor was recently offered as an excuse for the multiple has-been-ed Jennifer Grey to appear on the last round up, “Dancing With The Stars.”

McNaughton’s Group  

Special thanks to the eagle eyes at Wonkette, who’ve spotted a big one.

Extraordinarily cheezeball artist Jon McNaughton has brought forth a gathering of greats, as the ghosts of presidents past hover around sullen, stand-offish looking Barack Obama, variously annoyed or aghast at his literal TRAMPLING ON THE CONSTITUTION!

McNaughton is the kind of crank who rambles along in incoherent Founderspeak for numbered paragraphs, passive aggressively concluding:

“The information is historical. If it is not familiar to you – Google it.“

Cramming all these figures into the frame seems to have skewed McNaughton’s perspective.  Small but perfectly formed James Madison is so upset at Obama’s boot-heel to our liberties that he’s bent over pleading, but appears to be almost Obama’s height.   The Forgotten Man is a giant seated on a toy town bench. Such is the occasion that Franklin Roosevelt walks.

McNaughton’s painting doesn’t leave much to chance, featuring ominous clouds, flags at half staff, and an accompanying video lush with  piano chords of doom.

Republican Tinkerbell

The thoughtful press peepers at Media Matters For America [just typing it gives a tingle!] have detected a pattern in Republican affairs:  free-floating New Reagan naming, often not tied to any visible speaking skill or charisma.

Christie On A Stick! 

They run down the usual names named, your Palins, Rubios and the like, but several of the reborn seem to have escaped their view.

Lest we forget, some have imagined the mantel falling on Rubio’s leathery opponent, Charlie Crist.  Before his auditioning to become the Robert Byrd of the desert wastelands,  John McCain was considered amoung the Reagan Undead. Until he stumbled into a cracker history morass Virginia Governor Robert F. “Bob” McDonnell was seen, at least in Pat Robertson’s alternative universe, as Reaganesque. And South Korean hard man President Lee Myung-bak was Reagan walking until it was discovered voters didn’t thrill to the prospect of confrontation with the North.

But our favorite New Reagan of Today lives in South Africa:

  step forward President Zuma!