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Grant Me This 

It was a gathering of the conservative faithful at CPAC this past weekend, and the search for novel political analogies reached strange new heights.

Among the oddities was Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, whose doomed Presidential campaign took its first tentative steps off the cliff by reminding the assembled Neo-Confederates    of a past glorius Republican office holder,  U.S. Grant.

Somehow today’s conservative struggle resembles Grant’s grinding Civil War victories over the South, his scandel infested administration, or his occasional lunges towards protecting blacks and Republicans from the Klan in the South. Which is unclear, but Pawlenty has his own upbeat, crackpot version:

“We’re on the side of limited government. And, like Grant, we fight.“

But perhaps not win.  Pawlenty came in fourth in CPAC’s presidential straw poll.

Also up for CPAC recycling,  Margeret Thatcher, AKA The Iron Lady.  Indiana Representative Mike Pence, straw poll fifth place holder, put America’s striking coal miners and Trotskyist local office holders on notice by evoking everyone’s favorite Churchill in drag. Just wait till that North Sea oil saves our ass!

A Romantic View Of History

Pence also entertained the crowd with a musty Ronald Reagan yarn, one where Reagan encountered a magic pipe-fitter.  This proto Joe The Plumber begged Reagan to save tax cuts for the rich, so guys like him could be hired by them.  Pence has trotted out the tale of this wondrous encounter at least twice going back to 2005.

CPAC turned to Glen Beck for insane historical tales with a grain of truth.

Peeing all over John McCain’s myth of a muscular progressive Republican past, Beck rightly called Teddy Roosevelt an interventionist.

But calling Roosevelt a socialist is as insane as labeling Obama one.

 The State of Georgia offers this rib-tickler:

Union soldiers died from friendly fire while capturing Jefferson Davis!

“An ironic tale from the Civil War is told at Jefferson Davis Memorial Historic Site in Fitzgerald. A month after the war’s end, Confederate President Davis and a few remaining men were camped in south Georgia to continue their fight for the “lost cause.” At dawn, they were surrounded by two independent Union troops who began unknowingly firing at each other. Two Union cavalrymen died in the skirmish and Davis was taken prisoner. .. On Presidents Day, rangers will offer guided tours to all visitors. “

It’s Confederates, For Kids! 

Spirited efforts continue to normalize Confederate President Jefferson Davis and graft him onto real Presidents Day, but now cracker apologists have raised their sights:

they are going after Black History Month.

Rickey Pittman has cranked out two soft-core black/Confederate books, and has managed to get into school Black History Month programs to promote them.

“Jim Limber Davis: A Black Orphan In The Confederate White House”   is about the literal poster child of Rebel apologists: surely Jefferson Davis couldn’t be all bad if he “adopted” an African American orphan? 

And “Stonewall Jackson’s Black Sunday School”  seeks to show how dedicated the famed Confederate general was to the spiritual life of the people whose enslavement he fought to preserve.

Past Forgetting, For Kids!

 Like The Power  

Lame rhyming: it’s not just for brown people anymore!

From the frozen wastes of New Hampshire come fresh new voices of reaction-with a beat!

Yes, Dartmouth has yet again spawned new conservatives, but this time the youngsters are lifting their voices in song, turning that rap music into a weapon for good, not just ho/gangster celebratin’.

The hearty stew that is contemporary conservatism is a murky mix, and would-be hipster reactionaries are doing their part to further confusion.

Reagan youth yearns to enjoy somewhat contemporary rap music with all their friends, while reinforcing belief in all that is right and true.

Now they don’t have to choose!

“You can be straight, you were born this way“

Thanks to the stern visaged “Young Cons,” today’s youth can turn the former music of the oppressed into hymns of complacency. As we learn from the “Young Cons Anthem” [Actual title!]:

“Three things taught me conservative love: Jesus, Ronald Reagan and Atlas Shrugged“

These mopes haven’t embraced your more lively versions of that rap. Theirs is more of your drone-y slowpoke rap, where you can make out every syllable because their E-Nun-Ci-A-Tion is about the only energy shown.

But their message is perhaps best absorbed in lyric form, ’cause their prose would stunt a generation:

“In a technological era driven fiercely by the main stream media, those who vocalize the true conservative message of individual responsibility, moral absolutes, and small government are slanted as intolerant, racist, “bible and gun clinging”, corporate fat cats who could not care less about the environment nor the well being of their fellow man.”

Or, as others have said,

Gipper’s Delight: The Lads Visit “Fox & Friends” on Hooters Day!

Boots On The Ground, Buster!

The delightfully forthright “Mad Jewess” blog offers further proof that foaming spittle may cloud vision.

MJ spews forth on any number of current right-wing obsessions, gives a shout-out Birther High Priestess Orly Taitz, then for some reason goes off on a photo of Barack Obama with his feet on his desk:

“Click on this PIC below, what an ARROGANT ASSHOLE:

 

   ”

 I suspect what we have here is Dignity Of The Office Derangement, a condition manifest in delusional belief that whatever behavior the victim chooses to find offensive never occurred under prior presidents.

The condition’s poster child is of course Bush family lackey Andy Card, justly renowned for his launch of the Jackets-Always-In-The-Oval-Office myth.